i don't know what it is about right now, but everything looks and sounds and feels so good, like pictures and songs and air. i don't know, maybe i got drugged or something, but everything is so vibrant now and just the other day everything was so bleak and blank and flat and i don't know, it's weird what two days of amazing melting foggy slightly warmer weather can do to me. i hope it doesn't get too cold again, january's gonna break my heart.
there's so much in me i can't make sense of, both physically and not, and sometimes i think i should take an anatomy class to understand how everything works but then that would probably just make me think even more. the way things work is wonderful, there's so much connected to everything but i feel like my synapses are always misfiring, i can't say what i mean to say.
i try to get everything out in pictures, but lately there's a disconnect there too. i am tired of everything falling through. i want to be presented an opportunity, no strings attached. i want life to take off. it's about dang time.
school started yesterday and i always like it a lot at first and think i'm never going to miss a class, but eventually i'll start to get bored and distracted --even though now, i swear, i am entirely invested, whole-heartedly and completely, i want to learn. but i also want to run. i want the snow to melt. if i don't get inside an abandoned house soon i'm going to die, i swear i will.
i can't wait for summer. i can't wreck people anymore. i need to get my act together. i need to chill the fuck out.
some entries from my old livejournal before i got this blog here
i don't like to admit it but some of the time i am horribly, impossibly lonely. i feel nervous and light and watery around other people, i talk too quiet and too fast and my heart beats hard in my chest like a rabbit's.
i like my apartment, but, you know. being somewhere new is just horribly entertaining for me even if i'm not actually doing anything. i kindof want to draw a picture. maybe i'll do that. i'm scared.
escapism is starting to creep all over me again. i'm spring-loaded, i want to jump from tree branches.
it's this thought that's at the back of my mind that's warning me against it, that i should stay in the city longer and be a regular young person with fleeting relationships and searching for meaning in the backs of used bookstores. that i'm not ready to grow up, but i think i am and i can handle it now. still, i'm just afraid.
this is still my favorite thing.
and i know sometimes i will feel trapped or isolated, i acknowledge that, but i will always try to keep in mind that my heart just gets fluttery sometimes, my muscles get twitchy and anxious to run, and just to keep running won't ever get me anywhere except really out of breath. but that's such a good feeling sometimes.
how do you find out if someone is dead?
i wish i was a fourteen year old girl. i am so jealous of them all.
someone to exchange mix cds with and talk about airplanes and write things on the sides of buildings with, someone who responds instantly, and with rapture--
and someone who is quiet and honest and not someone to have sex with, not even to make out with,
someone who knows things, wonderful, terrible, fantastic things.
today is my birthday
it's the first day of the beginning of the end of the world
i am just waiting for someone to discover me i guess.
you can rely on me honey