summer ended so fast, i didn't even see the whole thing happening at all. i am in enrolled in a community college now and it is very strange to be in school again, but i think i like it, i like being there and the only thing that's intimidating is having to be around people my own age. i don't really like being around people my own age, i feel very uncomfortable and like i am too peculiar for anyone to relate to, thus impeding the forming of friendships. i think i'm going backwards, i think you're supposed to get less shy and socially-inept as you get older, but i just keep getting worse. but the positive side is that as i get older, i care less about the consequences of being this way.

i went to ohio and california and ohio and i'm going back to ohio this weekend again. for a secret project, i can't tell you about it yet. brian and i had our one year anniversary on august 20th. i am more happy and in love than i have ever been with a single person or thing. i am excited about life but i am so afraid of disappointing everyone. i cannot stand it when i don't do a good job for someone who is expecting it of me. i still feel like i'm playing at being professional when i really have no idea what i'm doing. with photography mostly, but with life and everything too. my heart beats fast like a little bird's before every time i enter a room. sometimes the thought of everything that must be achieved makes me sick and i have to go throw up. sometimes it makes me feel like my lungs have been lifted.

fall is the best season for me, and it's gotten cold quick around here. i don't know how i can be energetically listless, hopefully hopeless, and creative in soft desperation but that's always how it is around now. and i always fall in love in the fall. there's that, too. i am trying to make better decisions. i'll be 21 in a month and a half! it's exciting but it's also really scary and sad because i already feel old enough. sometimes i think it's pointless to make art now because i can no longer be a child prodigy. i have felt that way for many years. i wish i was a fourteen year old girl. i am so jealous of them all.

okay i'm talking too much. goodbye, blog.



hello, i forgot i had a blog.


the best thing to me is to meet people who really wholy and completely give a shit. about anything. i don't understand people who don't make things. it's incredible to meet people who entirely invest themselves in something. i don't know, the words made more sense in my head then. last night was one of the top ten nights of my life.



My photo
illinois, United States
the fabulous destiny of cari ann wayman

all pictures by me unless otherwise stated.
all music is for sampling purposes only. please buy the records. if you are a musician and want your song removed, let me know.