some entries from my old livejournal before i got this blog here
i don't like to admit it but some of the time i am horribly, impossibly lonely. i feel nervous and light and watery around other people, i talk too quiet and too fast and my heart beats hard in my chest like a rabbit's.
i like my apartment, but, you know. being somewhere new is just horribly entertaining for me even if i'm not actually doing anything. i kindof want to draw a picture. maybe i'll do that. i'm scared.
escapism is starting to creep all over me again. i'm spring-loaded, i want to jump from tree branches.
it's this thought that's at the back of my mind that's warning me against it, that i should stay in the city longer and be a regular young person with fleeting relationships and searching for meaning in the backs of used bookstores. that i'm not ready to grow up, but i think i am and i can handle it now. still, i'm just afraid.
this is still my favorite thing.
and i know sometimes i will feel trapped or isolated, i acknowledge that, but i will always try to keep in mind that my heart just gets fluttery sometimes, my muscles get twitchy and anxious to run, and just to keep running won't ever get me anywhere except really out of breath. but that's such a good feeling sometimes.
how do you find out if someone is dead?
i wish i was a fourteen year old girl. i am so jealous of them all.
someone to exchange mix cds with and talk about airplanes and write things on the sides of buildings with, someone who responds instantly, and with rapture--
and someone who is quiet and honest and not someone to have sex with, not even to make out with,
someone who knows things, wonderful, terrible, fantastic things.
today is my birthday
it's the first day of the beginning of the end of the world
i am just waiting for someone to discover me i guess.
you can rely on me honey