014

i don't feel like writing posts enough to keep up with how often i take pictures, or to supplement the amount of pictures i take. it's funny i used to want to be a writer.

i wish my life was interesting enough to write about all the time but it's not, and i don't want to become one of those lame blogging people who just write about their dumb boring lives like what they had for breakfast or what they did at work or the funny trick their cat did or something. i'm not talking about anyone in specific. i just don't have any opinions on what happens in the world, i don't pay attention to music or art or fashion or celebrities or culture, so i only want to talk about my life but only if it's not boring. it's not like when i was younger and everything had this sting to it. nothing happens and i don't feel torn about most things that do. and some things are secret and there's no way i am comfortable talking about those things on some old blog.

mostly i am just in my head and i go to school and i go to work and i come home and i eat a microwaveable dinner and i go to sleep and then i wake up at 5:30 in the morning and spend two hours doing my eyeshadow but it always looks like i got punched in the face.

i am just waiting for someone to discover me i guess.

emily jane white - time on your side

richmond fontaine - song for james welch

013

012

today is my birthday
it's the first day of the beginning of the end of the world

011

i am so terrible at keeping up with writing in a blog. i still do not like the word blog.

life is maybe not so interesting lately, but i do love fall very much. i think this summer went too fast. i don't know if it was as iconic as other summers. but maybe it will start to be that way the farther i get from it in time. there's always those songs of summer and they're starting to make themselves apparent for the summer of 2009. i wish i had time to do things besides work and school and homework. it's all very boring. and then when i get home all i want to do is sleep. i really really like sleeping lately, which is weird because i don't usually like sleeping. i remember when i used to like writing and i wish i still did.

i hung up some maps on the wall and this place is starting to feel more like home, but i don't like how messy it is and how cold it is and how there isn't very much sunlight, especially when the painters are here and they cover up the windows with big strips of brown paper and barely any light can get in at all. i hate having to use electric lighting all of the time. it makes me feel very drained. like maybe i am made of light and i need to suck it in through my pores to be active. like a plant or something. maybe i am like a plant.

brian and i had our one year anniversary in august, august 20th, i don't know if i talked about that. i am really happy about that.

you know, i don't think that person i thought was dead is actually dead and i am not sure if i am more scared of him being dead or him being alive. i don't know what to do past think about it so i try not to think about it because it isn't very productive now is it.

i would like to be a healthy person. i would like to get a tape player and some books on tape and then go running and walking and just listen to stories. but i don't have time for anything except work and school and homework. it is not a very satisfying lifestyle. i am dissatisfied with my level of production. i don't think i make very much out of anything. and plus i am a horrible procrastinator.

for halloween i am going to visit some friends in central illinois and i am very excited. i will take a train, and i love train rides. i will make some mix cds. or maybe i will have an ipod by then and i could just listen to that. but i really like being on public transportation and listening to music on very large headphones and looking out the window. in the city at night is lonely and wistful and beautiful and simple, and in the fall in the countryside with the light flickering fast through the trees rushing by is rushed hopeful and invigorating. i wish there were a hundred hours in a day. i wish i didn't love the way it feels to sleep. i like to be inside a world of soft and warm. i want to make a fort.

i very much need a photography friend to drive around and take pictures with. that is if i had time for anything. i don't understand why i am so bored of music lately. i am happy but i am very restless.


and farewell to the girl with the sun in her eyes

tom waits - old shoes (and picture postcards)

010

i can't believe i actually used to hate chocolate milk. i think i used to be a major freak or something.

i pick off the layers of my fingernails until they become very brittle. i like peeling layers off things, i like the act of uncovering, trying to reach a center. or maybe i just like destroying tiny things. i chew on plastic a lot.

i will be 21 years old in one month? did i talk about this. i feel like i talked about this. in china somebody found a snake that grew a whole foot. i think that's pretty neat. i don't understand why i can only make good friends with people who live far away. i don't understand why my thoughts and words are so simple lately.

it's fall and fall is my favorite season and it got sortof cold today and it was so wonderful i could barely stand it. the leaves are starting to come off the trees and get all crunchy and crumbled on the ground. i get more introverted by the minute. i am nervous about everything. but i cannot wait to go on wonderful fall adventures. fall is the season i fall in love and i hope it happens again in some way this year because that's an awful nice feeling. i've used the word "fall" too much in this paragraph.

soon i will learn to ride a bicycle and i will get a flask and engrave it with something and then i will ride around the streets and drink under trees and read books under blue skies and stand on bridges and throw rocks in the river. sometimes i think i want to take out a classifieds ad and it would say:

"WANTED: someone to go to parks with
at night, under extremely tall baseball field lamps
to go on long walks with
preferably with a vehicle
so we can drive to the city beaches at night when it's cold
and stick our heads out the windows when we're going fast down a busy street
on a friday or saturday night when there are a lot of people out at bars and dance clubs
and we'll say we don't understand why they do that,
put themselves through that,
when you can drink at home and dance in the streets,
and we'll say we understand why dogs do this, this sticking their heads out the windows business
and we should do it at least once a week to keep our spirits up, you know
someone to go to libraries with
and museums of natural history
someone who doesn't have other people and doesn't want other people and someone who doesn't get sad or angry and someone who doesn't get disappointed in me
someone who doesn't care about wasting gas or time or energy
someone who is a book person and doesn't want to talk about it
someone who is not far away, preferably in the northwest suburban chicago region,
just so when we'd call each other late at night it wouldn't be long a long wait after saying, "let's just fucking go somewhere, man"
(it doesn't matter where, i promise, really, i'm not all that picky)
someone to exchange mix cds with and talk about airplanes and write things on the sides of buildings with, someone who responds instantly, and with rapture--
and someone who is quiet and honest and not someone to have sex with, not even to make out with,
someone who knows things, wonderful, terrible, fantastic things."




just one more time, promise i don't need to worry
marching band - for your love

009

008

summer ended so fast, i didn't even see the whole thing happening at all. i am in enrolled in a community college now and it is very strange to be in school again, but i think i like it, i like being there and the only thing that's intimidating is having to be around people my own age. i don't really like being around people my own age, i feel very uncomfortable and like i am too peculiar for anyone to relate to, thus impeding the forming of friendships. i think i'm going backwards, i think you're supposed to get less shy and socially-inept as you get older, but i just keep getting worse. but the positive side is that as i get older, i care less about the consequences of being this way.

i went to ohio and california and ohio and i'm going back to ohio this weekend again. for a secret project, i can't tell you about it yet. brian and i had our one year anniversary on august 20th. i am more happy and in love than i have ever been with a single person or thing. i am excited about life but i am so afraid of disappointing everyone. i cannot stand it when i don't do a good job for someone who is expecting it of me. i still feel like i'm playing at being professional when i really have no idea what i'm doing. with photography mostly, but with life and everything too. my heart beats fast like a little bird's before every time i enter a room. sometimes the thought of everything that must be achieved makes me sick and i have to go throw up. sometimes it makes me feel like my lungs have been lifted.

fall is the best season for me, and it's gotten cold quick around here. i don't know how i can be energetically listless, hopefully hopeless, and creative in soft desperation but that's always how it is around now. and i always fall in love in the fall. there's that, too. i am trying to make better decisions. i'll be 21 in a month and a half! it's exciting but it's also really scary and sad because i already feel old enough. sometimes i think it's pointless to make art now because i can no longer be a child prodigy. i have felt that way for many years. i wish i was a fourteen year old girl. i am so jealous of them all.

okay i'm talking too much. goodbye, blog.