i can't believe i actually used to hate chocolate milk. i think i used to be a major freak or something.
i pick off the layers of my fingernails until they become very brittle. i like peeling layers off things, i like the act of uncovering, trying to reach a center. or maybe i just like destroying tiny things. i chew on plastic a lot.
i will be 21 years old in one month? did i talk about this. i feel like i talked about this. in china somebody found a snake that grew a whole foot. i think that's pretty neat. i don't understand why i can only make good friends with people who live far away. i don't understand why my thoughts and words are so simple lately.
it's fall and fall is my favorite season and it got sortof cold today and it was so wonderful i could barely stand it. the leaves are starting to come off the trees and get all crunchy and crumbled on the ground. i get more introverted by the minute. i am nervous about everything. but i cannot wait to go on wonderful fall adventures. fall is the season i fall in love and i hope it happens again in some way this year because that's an awful nice feeling. i've used the word "fall" too much in this paragraph.
soon i will learn to ride a bicycle and i will get a flask and engrave it with something and then i will ride around the streets and drink under trees and read books under blue skies and stand on bridges and throw rocks in the river. sometimes i think i want to take out a classifieds ad and it would say:
"WANTED: someone to go to parks with
at night, under extremely tall baseball field lamps
to go on long walks with
preferably with a vehicle
so we can drive to the city beaches at night when it's cold
and stick our heads out the windows when we're going fast down a busy street
on a friday or saturday night when there are a lot of people out at bars and dance clubs
and we'll say we don't understand why they do that,
put themselves through that,
when you can drink at home and dance in the streets,
and we'll say we understand why dogs do this, this sticking their heads out the windows business
and we should do it at least once a week to keep our spirits up, you know
someone to go to libraries with
and museums of natural history
someone who doesn't have other people and doesn't want other people and someone who doesn't get sad or angry and someone who doesn't get disappointed in me
someone who doesn't care about wasting gas or time or energy
someone who is a book person and doesn't want to talk about it
someone who is not far away, preferably in the northwest suburban chicago region,
just so when we'd call each other late at night it wouldn't be long a long wait after saying, "let's just fucking go somewhere, man"
(it doesn't matter where, i promise, really, i'm not all that picky)
someone to exchange mix cds with and talk about airplanes and write things on the sides of buildings with, someone who responds instantly, and with rapture--
and someone who is quiet and honest and not someone to have sex with, not even to make out with,
someone who knows things, wonderful, terrible, fantastic things."
just one more time, promise i don't need to worry
marching band - for your love
