summer ended so fast, i didn't even see the whole thing happening at all. i am in enrolled in a community college now and it is very strange to be in school again, but i think i like it, i like being there and the only thing that's intimidating is having to be around people my own age. i don't really like being around people my own age, i feel very uncomfortable and like i am too peculiar for anyone to relate to, thus impeding the forming of friendships. i think i'm going backwards, i think you're supposed to get less shy and socially-inept as you get older, but i just keep getting worse. but the positive side is that as i get older, i care less about the consequences of being this way.
i went to ohio and california and ohio and i'm going back to ohio this weekend again. for a secret project, i can't tell you about it yet. brian and i had our one year anniversary on august 20th. i am more happy and in love than i have ever been with a single person or thing. i am excited about life but i am so afraid of disappointing everyone. i cannot stand it when i don't do a good job for someone who is expecting it of me. i still feel like i'm playing at being professional when i really have no idea what i'm doing. with photography mostly, but with life and everything too. my heart beats fast like a little bird's before every time i enter a room. sometimes the thought of everything that must be achieved makes me sick and i have to go throw up. sometimes it makes me feel like my lungs have been lifted.
fall is the best season for me, and it's gotten cold quick around here. i don't know how i can be energetically listless, hopefully hopeless, and creative in soft desperation but that's always how it is around now. and i always fall in love in the fall. there's that, too. i am trying to make better decisions. i'll be 21 in a month and a half! it's exciting but it's also really scary and sad because i already feel old enough. sometimes i think it's pointless to make art now because i can no longer be a child prodigy. i have felt that way for many years. i wish i was a fourteen year old girl. i am so jealous of them all.
okay i'm talking too much. goodbye, blog.
i think you'd be surprised at how many people older than you admire your work. i just turned 29 last weds and i completely admire your work. i'll be 30 next year and haven't achieved anything great.
ReplyDeleteYou should read the book "an abundance of katherines" which is about that emotion you described, of being a former child prodigy, average adult. It's a fascinating emotion, but I think he learns that it's a needless hobbleblock.
ReplyDelete" i don't really like being around people my own age, i feel very uncomfortable and like i am too peculiar for anyone to relate to, thus impeding the forming of friendships." agreed.
ReplyDeleteand, to anon, i love an abundance of katherines, by john green.
You need to be just what you are: a young person who happens to have a talent and an eye, who has a lot to learn about editing and about life. If you buy into this crap about being a genius and more gifted than other people who are artists, then you are in for a hard life.
ReplyDeleteNurture your talent. Don't allow attention and praise turn you into a non-artist.
Someone told me when I was about your age that a portfolio is only as good as its weakest picture.
Until then, I thought I was god's gift to photography too.
Who told you that you were some kind of a prodigy? Whoever said that was not doing you any favors, and if you believe it, well...
Just be who you are. Anything else is just bullshit.
Your child prodigy comment strikes a chord with me. As a musician, I used to feel I had to make my mark way early. Buddy Holly died at 22, Springsteen wrote Born to Run at 24, don't even get me started with Dylan. I'm 34 now and am easily writing the best songs of my life. I think letting go of my anxiousness and unreasonable expectations freed something in me. Everyone discovers this eventually, you've got time.
ReplyDeleteage doesn't matter :)
ReplyDeletegood luck with your venture into higher education. If you ever need an English tutor, let me know and I will be glad to help you. I'm Jakevol2 over on Flickr.
ReplyDeleteI know exactly how you feel about feeling like you don't know what you're doing when shooting. I'm graduating photography school next year and I'm scared to death to get a job related to photography because i'm afraid that there are people out there that are better than me. It's all about being confident and pretending like you know what you're doing.
ReplyDeleteI really adore the second photograph. It is brilliant.
ReplyDeleteLast photo is so magical!
ReplyDeleteL.T. @ elle-tea.blogspot.com
Your photos are very inspiring. They remind me to take more photos of people; and to learn photoshop. Keep going & keep blogging.
ReplyDelete-Sarah Yvonne
photography certainly is awesome but your writing is JUST as beautiful...i saved your wanted ad. best of luck with everything ;]
ReplyDeletemm, i really love these photos! very beautiful!
ReplyDelete