008

summer ended so fast, i didn't even see the whole thing happening at all. i am in enrolled in a community college now and it is very strange to be in school again, but i think i like it, i like being there and the only thing that's intimidating is having to be around people my own age. i don't really like being around people my own age, i feel very uncomfortable and like i am too peculiar for anyone to relate to, thus impeding the forming of friendships. i think i'm going backwards, i think you're supposed to get less shy and socially-inept as you get older, but i just keep getting worse. but the positive side is that as i get older, i care less about the consequences of being this way.

i went to ohio and california and ohio and i'm going back to ohio this weekend again. for a secret project, i can't tell you about it yet. brian and i had our one year anniversary on august 20th. i am more happy and in love than i have ever been with a single person or thing. i am excited about life but i am so afraid of disappointing everyone. i cannot stand it when i don't do a good job for someone who is expecting it of me. i still feel like i'm playing at being professional when i really have no idea what i'm doing. with photography mostly, but with life and everything too. my heart beats fast like a little bird's before every time i enter a room. sometimes the thought of everything that must be achieved makes me sick and i have to go throw up. sometimes it makes me feel like my lungs have been lifted.

fall is the best season for me, and it's gotten cold quick around here. i don't know how i can be energetically listless, hopefully hopeless, and creative in soft desperation but that's always how it is around now. and i always fall in love in the fall. there's that, too. i am trying to make better decisions. i'll be 21 in a month and a half! it's exciting but it's also really scary and sad because i already feel old enough. sometimes i think it's pointless to make art now because i can no longer be a child prodigy. i have felt that way for many years. i wish i was a fourteen year old girl. i am so jealous of them all.

okay i'm talking too much. goodbye, blog.

007

hello, i forgot i had a blog.






the best thing to me is to meet people who really wholy and completely give a shit. about anything. i don't understand people who don't make things. it's incredible to meet people who entirely invest themselves in something. i don't know, the words made more sense in my head then. last night was one of the top ten nights of my life.

006

i didn't mind you blaming me for your mistakes,
i just held you in the doorframe through all of the earthquakes



how do you find out if someone is dead?



the antlers - two

005

i just returned from an incredible trip to ohio. there were lots of pretty things and abandoned things, even an abandoned amusement park. once i finish editing all of the pictures maybe i will post a photographic-adventure-tour thing.

004

this is a post about being very excited about a lot of things.





someone still loves you boris yeltsin - pangea

003

i left that message in glow in the dark letters on the roof of a building in a forest three summers ago and i went back last week and it was still there. but i couldn't find the canyon i climbed up when i was thirteen, so maybe i made it up in my head, but i swear it was there, and so were all these hollowed out trees you could hide in, and a field at dusk full of fireflies going up. i like what a huge field faraway looks like just when it's starting to get dark, and there's a million fireflies and you understand why they're called lightning bugs, like little zaps and sparks out of every corner of your eye, something tiny and electric in the organic dark. we drove around last night while it was half-raining and found a look-out-point, and big empty fields expanding to a pitch black horizon, and tiny crowded neighborhoods on riverfronts where every single person owns a boat. listening to def leppard and hands reaching out the window.

this summer has been less than epic and i didn't really notice that it's almost over. i didn't even really notice it started. it's been so cold and rainy but i really really like that. i want every summer to feel like the beginning of summer, like june is just starting and i've been hopeful all the time. it's not like last summer which was epic in this sad way, sad in this way that i got hysteric sometimes and i would laugh a lot and not think and see six red foxes in a grey cemetery, slumped against headstones. and then i couldn't wait for it to end, to move on and out and get to the city, and now i sortof miss it, like it was this tiny cute sad chapter of things and i get nostalgic for just about anything. summers especially. maybe i'll just remember this one as calm and sweet and undefined and i'd be okay with that. but maybe it's verging on some hidden epic event, some turning point, something is about to begin.

i like sitting on train tracks and writing secrets on rocks and throwing them, and rickety metal pole playgrounds that aren't safe or made of plastic; forest fortresses and looking up walking distance on google maps from where i am to somewhere i am not. it would take me 27 days and 14 hours to get to portland oregon, 49 days and 3 hours to anchorage alaska. only 4 days and 4 hours to detroit, the great smoky mountains 8 days on the dot. it doesn't seem that long. but it'd take me longer i think because i'd get distracted and stop off the road for so many things and my legs are small. horoscopes are weird, it said my best days for love this month were july 10 and july 18/19. i don't know, i guess i see it.







jessica lea mayfield - for today

002

when it's like butterflies, everything seems alright
(beautiful/undecided)

shack - undecided