33

i want to put last week on repeat over and over and over again.


always got big plans, but they're always in the works
i swear they'd pay off if my luck don't give out first
lucero - raising hell

015

i'm going to have to post a bazillion times to keep up with everything.

i think i'm too shy to write a blog. or i have too many secrets. or i want to pretend i have too many secrets. or something.

i want to run really fast through the streets of a foreign city in winter when the air is so cold you can't breathe or feel your hands anymore. but it's alright.

letting up despite great faults - release

014

i don't feel like writing posts enough to keep up with how often i take pictures, or to supplement the amount of pictures i take. it's funny i used to want to be a writer.

i wish my life was interesting enough to write about all the time but it's not, and i don't want to become one of those lame blogging people who just write about their dumb boring lives like what they had for breakfast or what they did at work or the funny trick their cat did or something. i'm not talking about anyone in specific. i just don't have any opinions on what happens in the world, i don't pay attention to music or art or fashion or celebrities or culture, so i only want to talk about my life but only if it's not boring. it's not like when i was younger and everything had this sting to it. nothing happens and i don't feel torn about most things that do. and some things are secret and there's no way i am comfortable talking about those things on some old blog.

mostly i am just in my head and i go to school and i go to work and i come home and i eat a microwaveable dinner and i go to sleep and then i wake up at 5:30 in the morning and spend two hours doing my eyeshadow but it always looks like i got punched in the face.

i am just waiting for someone to discover me i guess.

emily jane white - time on your side

richmond fontaine - song for james welch

010

i can't believe i actually used to hate chocolate milk. i think i used to be a major freak or something.

i pick off the layers of my fingernails until they become very brittle. i like peeling layers off things, i like the act of uncovering, trying to reach a center. or maybe i just like destroying tiny things. i chew on plastic a lot.

i will be 21 years old in one month? did i talk about this. i feel like i talked about this. in china somebody found a snake that grew a whole foot. i think that's pretty neat. i don't understand why i can only make good friends with people who live far away. i don't understand why my thoughts and words are so simple lately.

it's fall and fall is my favorite season and it got sortof cold today and it was so wonderful i could barely stand it. the leaves are starting to come off the trees and get all crunchy and crumbled on the ground. i get more introverted by the minute. i am nervous about everything. but i cannot wait to go on wonderful fall adventures. fall is the season i fall in love and i hope it happens again in some way this year because that's an awful nice feeling. i've used the word "fall" too much in this paragraph.

soon i will learn to ride a bicycle and i will get a flask and engrave it with something and then i will ride around the streets and drink under trees and read books under blue skies and stand on bridges and throw rocks in the river. sometimes i think i want to take out a classifieds ad and it would say:

"WANTED: someone to go to parks with
at night, under extremely tall baseball field lamps
to go on long walks with
preferably with a vehicle
so we can drive to the city beaches at night when it's cold
and stick our heads out the windows when we're going fast down a busy street
on a friday or saturday night when there are a lot of people out at bars and dance clubs
and we'll say we don't understand why they do that,
put themselves through that,
when you can drink at home and dance in the streets,
and we'll say we understand why dogs do this, this sticking their heads out the windows business
and we should do it at least once a week to keep our spirits up, you know
someone to go to libraries with
and museums of natural history
someone who doesn't have other people and doesn't want other people and someone who doesn't get sad or angry and someone who doesn't get disappointed in me
someone who doesn't care about wasting gas or time or energy
someone who is a book person and doesn't want to talk about it
someone who is not far away, preferably in the northwest suburban chicago region,
just so when we'd call each other late at night it wouldn't be long a long wait after saying, "let's just fucking go somewhere, man"
(it doesn't matter where, i promise, really, i'm not all that picky)
someone to exchange mix cds with and talk about airplanes and write things on the sides of buildings with, someone who responds instantly, and with rapture--
and someone who is quiet and honest and not someone to have sex with, not even to make out with,
someone who knows things, wonderful, terrible, fantastic things."




just one more time, promise i don't need to worry
marching band - for your love

006

i didn't mind you blaming me for your mistakes,
i just held you in the doorframe through all of the earthquakes



how do you find out if someone is dead?



the antlers - two

004

this is a post about being very excited about a lot of things.





someone still loves you boris yeltsin - pangea

003

i left that message in glow in the dark letters on the roof of a building in a forest three summers ago and i went back last week and it was still there. but i couldn't find the canyon i climbed up when i was thirteen, so maybe i made it up in my head, but i swear it was there, and so were all these hollowed out trees you could hide in, and a field at dusk full of fireflies going up. i like what a huge field faraway looks like just when it's starting to get dark, and there's a million fireflies and you understand why they're called lightning bugs, like little zaps and sparks out of every corner of your eye, something tiny and electric in the organic dark. we drove around last night while it was half-raining and found a look-out-point, and big empty fields expanding to a pitch black horizon, and tiny crowded neighborhoods on riverfronts where every single person owns a boat. listening to def leppard and hands reaching out the window.

this summer has been less than epic and i didn't really notice that it's almost over. i didn't even really notice it started. it's been so cold and rainy but i really really like that. i want every summer to feel like the beginning of summer, like june is just starting and i've been hopeful all the time. it's not like last summer which was epic in this sad way, sad in this way that i got hysteric sometimes and i would laugh a lot and not think and see six red foxes in a grey cemetery, slumped against headstones. and then i couldn't wait for it to end, to move on and out and get to the city, and now i sortof miss it, like it was this tiny cute sad chapter of things and i get nostalgic for just about anything. summers especially. maybe i'll just remember this one as calm and sweet and undefined and i'd be okay with that. but maybe it's verging on some hidden epic event, some turning point, something is about to begin.

i like sitting on train tracks and writing secrets on rocks and throwing them, and rickety metal pole playgrounds that aren't safe or made of plastic; forest fortresses and looking up walking distance on google maps from where i am to somewhere i am not. it would take me 27 days and 14 hours to get to portland oregon, 49 days and 3 hours to anchorage alaska. only 4 days and 4 hours to detroit, the great smoky mountains 8 days on the dot. it doesn't seem that long. but it'd take me longer i think because i'd get distracted and stop off the road for so many things and my legs are small. horoscopes are weird, it said my best days for love this month were july 10 and july 18/19. i don't know, i guess i see it.







jessica lea mayfield - for today

002

when it's like butterflies, everything seems alright
(beautiful/undecided)

shack - undecided