017

internet, i can't tell you anything.

016

my hair is greasy and my ribcage hurts.

015

i'm going to have to post a bazillion times to keep up with everything.

i think i'm too shy to write a blog. or i have too many secrets. or i want to pretend i have too many secrets. or something.

i want to run really fast through the streets of a foreign city in winter when the air is so cold you can't breathe or feel your hands anymore. but it's alright.

letting up despite great faults - release

014

i don't feel like writing posts enough to keep up with how often i take pictures, or to supplement the amount of pictures i take. it's funny i used to want to be a writer.

i wish my life was interesting enough to write about all the time but it's not, and i don't want to become one of those lame blogging people who just write about their dumb boring lives like what they had for breakfast or what they did at work or the funny trick their cat did or something. i'm not talking about anyone in specific. i just don't have any opinions on what happens in the world, i don't pay attention to music or art or fashion or celebrities or culture, so i only want to talk about my life but only if it's not boring. it's not like when i was younger and everything had this sting to it. nothing happens and i don't feel torn about most things that do. and some things are secret and there's no way i am comfortable talking about those things on some old blog.

mostly i am just in my head and i go to school and i go to work and i come home and i eat a microwaveable dinner and i go to sleep and then i wake up at 5:30 in the morning and spend two hours doing my eyeshadow but it always looks like i got punched in the face.

i am just waiting for someone to discover me i guess.

emily jane white - time on your side

richmond fontaine - song for james welch

013

012

today is my birthday
it's the first day of the beginning of the end of the world

011

i am so terrible at keeping up with writing in a blog. i still do not like the word blog.

life is maybe not so interesting lately, but i do love fall very much. i think this summer went too fast. i don't know if it was as iconic as other summers. but maybe it will start to be that way the farther i get from it in time. there's always those songs of summer and they're starting to make themselves apparent for the summer of 2009. i wish i had time to do things besides work and school and homework. it's all very boring. and then when i get home all i want to do is sleep. i really really like sleeping lately, which is weird because i don't usually like sleeping. i remember when i used to like writing and i wish i still did.

i hung up some maps on the wall and this place is starting to feel more like home, but i don't like how messy it is and how cold it is and how there isn't very much sunlight, especially when the painters are here and they cover up the windows with big strips of brown paper and barely any light can get in at all. i hate having to use electric lighting all of the time. it makes me feel very drained. like maybe i am made of light and i need to suck it in through my pores to be active. like a plant or something. maybe i am like a plant.

brian and i had our one year anniversary in august, august 20th, i don't know if i talked about that. i am really happy about that.

you know, i don't think that person i thought was dead is actually dead and i am not sure if i am more scared of him being dead or him being alive. i don't know what to do past think about it so i try not to think about it because it isn't very productive now is it.

i would like to be a healthy person. i would like to get a tape player and some books on tape and then go running and walking and just listen to stories. but i don't have time for anything except work and school and homework. it is not a very satisfying lifestyle. i am dissatisfied with my level of production. i don't think i make very much out of anything. and plus i am a horrible procrastinator.

for halloween i am going to visit some friends in central illinois and i am very excited. i will take a train, and i love train rides. i will make some mix cds. or maybe i will have an ipod by then and i could just listen to that. but i really like being on public transportation and listening to music on very large headphones and looking out the window. in the city at night is lonely and wistful and beautiful and simple, and in the fall in the countryside with the light flickering fast through the trees rushing by is rushed hopeful and invigorating. i wish there were a hundred hours in a day. i wish i didn't love the way it feels to sleep. i like to be inside a world of soft and warm. i want to make a fort.

i very much need a photography friend to drive around and take pictures with. that is if i had time for anything. i don't understand why i am so bored of music lately. i am happy but i am very restless.


and farewell to the girl with the sun in her eyes

tom waits - old shoes (and picture postcards)